Alphabetical Emotions: Guilt

Posted on April 8, 2014 by Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist

GGrowing up as a minister’s daughter I was well versed in the ten commandments from an early age. I knew right from wrong and had a well-developed conscience at an early age. My first recollections of thoughts of guilt occurring from a guilty conscience was at the age of six. I used to walk home from school past a green grocer who had hessian sacks full of vegetables sitting on the pavement outside his shop. One day the green beans looked so delicious and fresh that I could not refrain from taking a handful. As I did I heard his call and I ran, not waiting to see the consequences of my action. I was so guilt ridden the beans didn’t make it home or to my mouth as I dropped them in a paddock in my flight. I was breathing hard when I arrived home and went to my room nursing my guilty feelings. Then I saw the police car pull up. I didn’t want to go to jail and I was terrified. The knock came on the door and I could hear my father moving to answer it. I quickly crawled under the bed and lay there hiding long after the policeman had gone. I knew my father would have something to say when he saw me and my father’s quiet reprimands always had more impact on me than Mother getting out the wooden spoon. On hearing the officer had come on a Rotary matter came as a huge relief but those feelings of guilt were enough for me to never steal again.
Somewhere in the intervening years I took on feelings of guilt for things other than things I had done wrong with intent. I allowed my conscience to associate wrong-doing and responsibility as being the same and I would have a guilty conscience for things which I did not do. I must have been the reason someone else did various actions and I felt guilty. My ex-husband told me if I left him he would kill himself. My guilty conscience would not allow me to leave. I would be responsible and I couldn’t live with myself if I did so. Bit by bit I faded as he became increasingly difficult to live with.
I was doing night duty and told the night supervisor some of my concerns. She sent me to the psychiatric unit for a chat with the on-duty nurse there. It was the best thing I have ever done as he said “if he kills himself it is his action. You did not load the gun, give him the knife, tie the knot. He did it. It is his action and his responsibility for the consequences. You cannot be guilty for something you did not do. You can be sad, you can grieve but you are not guilty.” This changed my thinking and allowed me to turn my life around.
I did leave and he didn’t kill himself. I rarely feel guilty these days as I rarely do anything to feel guilty about thanks to that timely advice

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About Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist

I began my working career as a reluctant potato peeler whilst waiting to commence my training as a student nurse. On completion I worked mainly in intensive care/coronary care; finishing my hospital career as clinical nurse educator in intensive care. A life changing period as a resort owner/manager on the island of Tanna in Vanuatu was followed by recovery time as a farmer at Bucca Wauka. Having discovered I was no farmer and vowing never again to own an animal bigger than myself I took on the Barrington General Store. Here we also ran a five star restaurant. Working the shop of a day 7am - 6pm followed by the restaurant until late was surprisingly more stressful than Tanna. On the sale we decided to retire and renovate our house with the help of a builder friend. Now believing we knew everything about building we set to constructing our own house. Just finished a coal mine decided to set up in our backyard. Definitely time to retire we moved to Queensland. I had been writing a manuscript for some time. In the desire to complete this I enrolled in a post grad certificate in creative Industries which I completed 2013. I followed this by doing a Master of Arts by research graduating in 2017. Now I live to write and write to live.
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29 Responses to Alphabetical Emotions: Guilt

  1. IreneDesign2011's avatar irenedesign2011 says:
    April 8, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    A very good post Irene. It is important to learn, that we are not guilty for others actions.

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  2. matthewsmaria's avatar Maria Matthews says:
    April 8, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    What an enlightening post. I sympathize with you for having to live in fear of someone taking their own life and I also know how guilt can traumatize you but thank god you confided in your supervisor.

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  3. Sherri Matthews's avatar Sherri says:
    April 8, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Very sage advice indeed, so great that you were able to come out from that emotional blackmail and walk away. I experienced a very similar situation and the day when you wake up and realise that you are not responsible for another’s actions is very freeing indeed. Thank God you were able to leave that all behind and move on with your life. And here you are now! Great post as always Irene.

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    • Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist's avatar Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist says:
      April 9, 2014 at 5:32 am

      Thanks Sherri. Liberating indeed. I have realised that all the emotions I have written so far have been negative ones when really the space that I am in is a positive one. I had been going to carry on with H being hate but I think a change is needed and I will do happy instead. A walk is needed to get my happy thoughts in order. Cheers Irene

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  4. fictionfitz's avatar fictionfitz says:
    April 8, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    In the second half of life, I find most amazing that the more I show of my dark experiences the more connected to others I become. PK, does God have a dark side too?

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    • Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist's avatar Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist says:
      April 9, 2014 at 5:43 am

      Now that is a really good question and one I’m not qualified to answer. Perhaps “evil” the devil, satan is God’s dark side and rather than the trinity it is a quadity (if there is such a thing.) I do agree though that the more you allow others to see of you the more connected you become to them. I think that is because the more that others know of you the more they can understand you and you allow yourself to be yourself because you have less to hide. I found this with the writing group I was in prior to moving. Writing honestly and then reading it out to a group of strangers (at first) quickly connected us as they knew innermost secrets that even loved ones didn’t know. Writing whether it be fiction or non- fiction bares our soul to the world. Elizabeth Gilbert said that if you wanted to know her read her fiction as she didn’t attempt to hide anything thinking she was anonymous attaching herself to many of the characters. I’ve been missing my visits to you as I love the questions you pose Bob. I have taken on too much but will definitely visit soon Cheers Irene

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  5. mewhoami's avatar mewhoami says:
    April 8, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    This was a great lesson that you learned. Another’s choices are not our fault.

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  6. Dawn M. Miller's avatar lingeringvisions by Dawn says:
    April 8, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Isn’t it amazing how we can go on for years with a narrow minded view and suddenly change because someone says something, or we read something, witness something, perhaps even dream it; and are never the same?

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  7. Deb's avatar Deb says:
    April 9, 2014 at 3:04 am

    I really like this post and your approach to guilt and not being responsible for what another person does. I am hopeful that this message will stick with me from this day forward. Thank you!

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  8. Cee Neuner's avatar Cee Neuner says:
    April 9, 2014 at 5:45 am

    I used to do that with too. I used to say if you broke a foot climbing a mountain, I would somehow feel guilty when I was at home. Somewhere along the line I stopped doing that.

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  9. Rosie Amber's avatar Rosie Amber says:
    April 9, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Learning to let go of guilt is one of the hardest and most rewarding things a person can do. Great post.

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  10. Noelle Granger's avatar Noelle Granger says:
    April 9, 2014 at 6:59 am

    Isn’t it amazing how guilt can drive us? Letting go of it is an uphill battle. I used to tell my husband when my children were little that I needed a tee shirt that said “I am a mother. I am guilty.”
    I am so happy your story had a good ending. What a powerful post!

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  11. Prem Rao's avatar Prem Rao says:
    April 9, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    Loved your posts, thanks to the A to Z Challenge which brought me to your blog. In my view, there are two types of guilt. Sometimes we feel guilty for the wrong we have done ourselves and sometimes others make us feel guilty, even if we aren’t in the wrong. The first is easier to handle than the second.

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