© J Hardy Carroll
An ordinary picnic day, cricket on the lawn, fairy bread and pop.
“Has anyone seen Bergdis?” Susan fidgeted as she watched their faces for a sign some-one had seen her daughter but only saw heads shaking. “Please, I can’t find her anywhere.”
They organised search parties to go in all directions. They had the ground covered but called the police anyway. A little girl in a white dress, carrying the flag when I last saw her.”
Within minutes the message came “It’s okay. We’ve found her. She’s playing in the churchyard with her sister.”
“No! She can’t be. Allard’s dead!”
In response to the photo prompt kindly provided by J Hardy Carroll and the hosting by Rochelle who invites us to write a flash of no more than 100 words and link up via the blue frog on her site. If you don’t want to write have a read as there is always a varied talented selection to read.
The Revised Version based on critical comment. Let me know what you think.
An ordinary picnic day, cricket on the lawn, fairy-bread and pop.
“Has anyone seen Bergdis?” Susan fidgeted as she watched their faces for a sign some-one had seen her daughter but only saw heads shaking. “Please, I can’t find her anywhere.”
The picnickers searched in all directions. Although they had the ground covered they called the police anyway. “A little girl in a white dress. She was carrying a flag when she was last seen.”
Within minutes the message came “It’s okay. We’ve found her. She’s playing in the churchyard with her sister.”
“No! She can’t be. Allard’s dead!”
Reflections and Nightmares- Irene A Waters (writer and memoirist) 
Nice twist at the end.
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Thank you.
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Such beautiful names – Bergdis and Allard. Good job, Irene.
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Thanks Sandra. Bergdis is a Norwegian name meaning spirit protector and Allard is German meaning Absolute in Spirit.
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Dear Irene,
This is one of those stories that send shivers up the spine…in a good way.
C-A little girl in a white dress…I think you’re missing a quotation mark for there are quotation marks at the end.
Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks Rochelle. Yes I am missing the quotes and will now fix it. Thank you.
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Beautiful story. C- the mother’s fear, the voices and the surprise in the end all works for me.
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Thanks. It is nice too hear that it worked for you. Have made some adjustment to paragraph 3 in response to a critique which I think makes it better. 🙂
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I read it. Yes, it makes it clearer who the searchers are.
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Lovely. Unusual names. Are they made up?
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No the names have a meaning to the piece. Bergdis is a Norwegian name meaning spirit protector and Allard is German meaning Absolute in Spirit.
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Wonderful!
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Thanks Dawn. Glad you liked it.
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Liked the ending. For me the third paragraph is the weakest. Seems to be some grammar missing and this always risks putting people off reading any more. You lose the flow.
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Thanks Paul. I have revised the third paragraph and posted the revised version under the original. Would be interested to see if it works better for you if you have time to look at it again. No worries if not. I appreciate your comment. Cheers Irene
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How must the mother have felt, fearing perhaps that the other daughter is dead as well. Or the worry some might have about ghosts or sanity. Children often intuitively get there is little border between the living and the dead. Very well done story, one of my favorites of yours, Irene.
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Thank you Sharon. Yes I think the mother must have had all those fears. I’m thrilled you liked it so much.
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Great story, Irene. I like the change to “The picnickers searched in all directions.” But I prefer the fairy bread in the original. Even before I looked it up, it had an ethereal sense to it, something children would eat. In a way, it was a bit of foreshadowing a supernatural encounter. Enjoyed it and seeing your revision!
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Thanks for your comment Charli. I have put fairy bread back in. I only changed it to keep the word count at 100 so I put it as a hyphenated word which I think only counts as 1 word. A little cheating. Glad you thought the other changes were an improvement. Do you not have fairy bread in the U.S.A.? I liked that it foreshadowed the encounter which was unintentional on my part but it worked well despite that.
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Great changes.
“Bergdis is a Norwegian name meaning spirit protector and Allard is German meaning Absolute in Spirit.” I love this!
C. The names, an extra added touch that makes you the writer you are! Beautiful!
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Thank you Yolanda that is such a nice thing to read on waking. Glad you like the changes. I thought they were an improvement too.
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I like it very much.
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Thanks Tracey.
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I enjoyed your flash very much Irene, it sent shivers down my spine, not only for the times when cold fear gripped my heart thinking one of my children was lost, albeit briefly, but also for the spooky ending. Brrr….. I was fascinated to read here in the comments about the origins of the girls’ names. Apart from the quotation changes, it read just the same to me, very well, and I’m glad you kept fairy-bread in, although I don’t know what that is either, but would love to know 🙂
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Really good ghost story.
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Thank you Liz. Glad you enjoyed it.
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