Bergdis and Allard: C – Friday Fictioneers

©

© J Hardy Carroll

An ordinary picnic day, cricket on the lawn, fairy bread and pop. 

“Has anyone seen Bergdis?” Susan fidgeted as she watched their  faces for a sign some-one had seen her daughter but only saw heads shaking. “Please, I can’t find her anywhere.” 

They organised search parties to go in all directions. They had the ground covered but called the police anyway. A little girl in a white dress, carrying the flag when I last saw her.”

Within minutes the message came “It’s okay. We’ve found her. She’s playing in the churchyard with her sister.”

“No! She can’t be. Allard’s dead!”

In response to the photo prompt  kindly provided by J Hardy Carroll and the hosting by Rochelle who invites us to write a flash of no more than 100 words and link up via the blue frog on her site. If you don’t want to write have a read as there is always a varied talented selection to read.

The Revised Version based on critical comment. Let me know what you think.

An ordinary picnic day, cricket on the lawn, fairy-bread and pop.

“Has anyone seen Bergdis?” Susan fidgeted as she watched their  faces for a sign some-one had seen her daughter but only saw heads shaking. “Please, I can’t find her anywhere.”

The picnickers searched in all directions. Although they had the ground covered they called the police anyway. “A little girl in a white dress. She was carrying a flag when she was last seen.”

Within minutes the message came “It’s okay. We’ve found her. She’s playing in the churchyard with her sister.”

“No! She can’t be. Allard’s dead!”

About Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist

I began my working career as a reluctant potato peeler whilst waiting to commence my training as a student nurse. On completion I worked mainly in intensive care/coronary care; finishing my hospital career as clinical nurse educator in intensive care. A life changing period as a resort owner/manager on the island of Tanna in Vanuatu was followed by recovery time as a farmer at Bucca Wauka. Having discovered I was no farmer and vowing never again to own an animal bigger than myself I took on the Barrington General Store. Here we also ran a five star restaurant. Working the shop of a day 7am - 6pm followed by the restaurant until late was surprisingly more stressful than Tanna. On the sale we decided to retire and renovate our house with the help of a builder friend. Now believing we knew everything about building we set to constructing our own house. Just finished a coal mine decided to set up in our backyard. Definitely time to retire we moved to Queensland. I had been writing a manuscript for some time. In the desire to complete this I enrolled in a post grad certificate in creative Industries which I completed 2013. Commenced a masters by research in 2014.
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26 Responses to Bergdis and Allard: C – Friday Fictioneers

  1. Sandra says:

    Such beautiful names – Bergdis and Allard. Good job, Irene.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Irene,

    This is one of those stories that send shivers up the spine…in a good way.

    C-A little girl in a white dress…I think you’re missing a quotation mark for there are quotation marks at the end.

    Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

  3. gahlearner says:

    Beautiful story. C- the mother’s fear, the voices and the surprise in the end all works for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lovely. Unusual names. Are they made up?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. paulmclem says:

    Liked the ending. For me the third paragraph is the weakest. Seems to be some grammar missing and this always risks putting people off reading any more. You lose the flow.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. How must the mother have felt, fearing perhaps that the other daughter is dead as well. Or the worry some might have about ghosts or sanity. Children often intuitively get there is little border between the living and the dead. Very well done story, one of my favorites of yours, Irene.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Charli Mills says:

    Great story, Irene. I like the change to “The picnickers searched in all directions.” But I prefer the fairy bread in the original. Even before I looked it up, it had an ethereal sense to it, something children would eat. In a way, it was a bit of foreshadowing a supernatural encounter. Enjoyed it and seeing your revision!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment Charli. I have put fairy bread back in. I only changed it to keep the word count at 100 so I put it as a hyphenated word which I think only counts as 1 word. A little cheating. Glad you thought the other changes were an improvement. Do you not have fairy bread in the U.S.A.? I liked that it foreshadowed the encounter which was unintentional on my part but it worked well despite that.

      Like

  8. Great changes.
    “Bergdis is a Norwegian name meaning spirit protector and Allard is German meaning Absolute in Spirit.” I love this!
    C. The names, an extra added touch that makes you the writer you are! Beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sherri says:

    I enjoyed your flash very much Irene, it sent shivers down my spine, not only for the times when cold fear gripped my heart thinking one of my children was lost, albeit briefly, but also for the spooky ending. Brrr….. I was fascinated to read here in the comments about the origins of the girls’ names. Apart from the quotation changes, it read just the same to me, very well, and I’m glad you kept fairy-bread in, although I don’t know what that is either, but would love to know 🙂

    Like

  10. Liz Young says:

    Really good ghost story.

    Liked by 1 person

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