You are welcome but I advise you move on and have coffee elsewhere. I fear if you come in I will do nothing but vent and rant and rave and subject you to what I know is my irrational behaviour.
Okay – you’ve chosen to come in. What beverage would you like? I’ve got everything as I prepared for our guests who were due to arrive during the week but due to flooding and bad weather delayed their arrival until Tuesday of the coming week.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m in child today. I have found that I am increasingly working in child. Up until a few months ago I would have said that my child didn’t get much of a look in and that I lived in adult most of the time. Not critical parent or nurturing parent but adult. In fact I would have said I was a well rounded individual. I know that started to collapse whilst I was doing my Masters. I beat up on myself and my ability. I compared myself to others who happily conversed at a level that was beyond my understanding. Always out of place in a crowd I now shrunk and became aware of just how introverted I am, but it is more than introversion.
World Affairs are getting me down. I feel I’m getting PTSD from listening to the news. If I opt out and avoid what is happening I feel as though I’m letting myself and others down by not knowing what is going on.
When I took the Homes and Rahe Stress Scale I came up at 377 – a level that tells me that I have a high to very high risk of becoming ill in the near future. Well perhaps that time has come and it is my mental health that is affected. Things that my adult tells me are stupid and not worth worrying about, my child decides otherwise. Like today a comment on facebook (I rarely look at facebook and know it should be taken with a grain of salt) made me feel devalued as a person and as a friend. It made me understand a phenomen suffered by teenagers when bullied, unfriended, ignored leading to depression and at its worst suicide. It made me feel like I felt in kindergarten when I wasn’t invited to a birthday party and the rest of the class was. It reduced me to tears. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! But it was how I felt. Rejected. Hurt. Holding back the tears so Roger wouldn’t see them made my head feel as though it had a tight band around my eyes (on the inside). My jaw hurt from being clenched to hold back the torrent. “You are being stupid” my adult tells me, “I told you you were worthless” my critical parent interjects “I’ll go and tell them to be nice to you” says my nurturing parent but my child rejects them all and not so quietly sobs, desolated and alone in the corner.
One of the problems is that now as an adult over sixty I can no longer cope the way I managed as a child. I can no longer rebel and and make life merry hell for everyone, proving they were right all along. As an adult that kind of behaviour is not tolerated. People label you as too hard, too sensitive, a negative person, a person that drags them down, a person to be avoided. I’ve rationalised people’s behaviours to the extent that perhaps I have kept so much hurt inside despite understanding why and now that hurt is finding the cracks. My adult tells me “Think before you post. you are only going to look like a child”, my critical parent says “you’ve got spelling and grammatical errors”, whilst my nurturing parent says “please don’t post this. I want to save you from being hurt.” My child is rebelling. I’m posting against all advice “I don’t care. I’m posting anyway.”
If we were having coffee I’d thank you for listening, ask your forgiveness and suggest you leave and go visit someone else a little brighter. I just want to wallow in my misery and can’t concentrate on anything else right at the moment.
I hope your week and your spirits have been brighter than mine and your coming week is fantastic. thank you to Nerd in the Brain for hosting our weekend coffee. Other places to drop in for coffee can be found here. If you’re brave enough drop back next week. I’ll be over it by then.
Reflections and Nightmares- Irene A Waters (writer and memoirist) 
Of course I’ll drop in next week—I’m 99.9% sure you’ll be back to your regular self soon! You are fortunate, actually, to be able to express the ‘child within’. People who stifle these emotions are worse off, I believe. We all have these days. Thanks for coffee, and thanks for sharing.
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I’ll look forward to seeing you next week Dianne. Already I am feeling somewhat better and you are right. Repressing how you feel does you know good at all and we do all have these days or periods. Hope you have a good week. Thanks for sharing with me.
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I’ll be there, Irene, and I’ll sit down and rant with you and share the box of tissues. And I’ll bring my youngest daughter who’s in the same spot. We’ll give each other a safe place to be what we are at the moment: emotionally exhausted, vulnerable to the slightest touch of criticism, totally drained of the ability to bounce. We’ll give each other’s inner child permission to have her say, and hopefully all three inner children will feel heard and understood and better able to go forth and be the kick-arse adults the world expects, fortified by the knowledge that at least a few people appreciate the secret desire to scream and cry!
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Helen thank you. A rant and a few tears with a friend can turn into a good laugh. Bring your daughter too. I’m sorry to hear she is in the same spot. I hadn’t realised how real and how soul destroying social media can be and for a young person I can now understand the devastation that goes along with it. “Emotionally exhausted, vulnerable to the slightest touch of criticism” and especially “the totally drained of the ability to bounce.” is a great way of putting it. I’m glad that your daughter is talking to you. I think that is vital for her not to keep it to herself. I know I feel better just for having said it out loud. My husband wouldn’t understand and unwittingly would be a critical parent. Thank you letting me scream and cry.
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Hang in there. And this is a good honest post. So it’ll be alright.
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Thank you. I feel much better just having got it off my chest. It will be okay. Have a good week (and great prompt you have given us at the Ranch).
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I very much appreciate your honesty Irene. I resonate with much of what you say. Glad you have taken a break from FB and the endless stream of outrage and trivialities. That alone can unhinge the sanest of us. Mainly, though, I want to tell you, you should not feel bad, question yourself . . . beat yourself up . . . about FEELING these things. It’s a common pop-psychology position to say such feelings come from the “child within.” But why do we have to attribute absolutely valid dissatisfaction with elements of our lives as being from a childish position? As if they were not natural and justified feelings? Woman, adult, PERSON, that is what you are. With the right to feel disappointed, exhausted, vulnerable . . . whatever it is. I am glad you did not “think” before you posted this. I hope you give yourself permission to “rebel and and make life merry hell” for those who deserve that. And I hope you are feeling better.
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Thanks Jeanne. You are right – they are natural and justified positions. I too am glad that I did not think before posting this as I have to admit just getting it off my chest has made me feel so much better. Thank you for your support. I hope the coming week is good for you.
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It’s ok to say that you’re feeling however you’re feeling. Maybe ranting will help you work things out. I used to go to a coffeeshop that had a punching bag in the bathroom. It was awesome.
Anyway, hope that you have a better day.
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I love the idea of that coffee shop. I will put in a suggestion at mine. The rant helped amazingly and today feeling much better. Thank you for dropping by and cheering me up.
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Sometimes we need to wallow in our misery. I’m sorry if others disagree but there’s a time for that. I’d love to sit with you and share a cuppa. We can cry and laugh and cry some more. Then we could scream and throw things. It’s therapeutic. It would be splendid. I’m sorry you’re going through this. ❤ Hugs across the miles.
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Sarah there is nothing better that I would like than to share a cuppa with you. Second best is your comment. Thank you. I am well on the road to recovering my spirits. I’ll know when the next stress occurs. Sending hugs back and thank you.
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Irene, I want to grab you and hug until the tears are squeezed out of both of us.
First, I want to say something that you probably already know. As annoying as grammar and spelling errors are, they are not connected to intelligence. They are just technical glitches.
Second, the state of the world, much due to the bloated trumpeter in my country, is awful, and every moment of news strikes another note like nails scraping on a blackboard. Makes any thoughtful, caring person tremble. I worry about the future my grands will have to live in.
Then I realize the world is also filled with people like your brother – and like YOU who make me laugh and think and care. I value you as a person and a positive contributor.
Sometimes it feels like I can’t do one more day like the one I’ve just lived – and then I realize that I am not fleeing my own country while terrorists bomb my home, I do not have cancer or a terminal illness, I can walk, I can speak, I can think. And I can still VOTE! Getting down just gives me a chance to get back up. I hope you’ll think about how much you mean to so many other people, Irene. This bad day will end and a new one will give you a chance to start again. However slow you move, you will begin.
Sending you love and friendship,
Shari
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Thank you so much. I value your friendship greatly despite never having met. You are right of course – the bad day ended and I will move on. At least I am concentrating more on my first memoir and and feeling positive that it will be published before the year is out.
I’m glad you think I am a positive contributor – I certainly hope I am but it sometimes is overwhelming as you know. I can understand your trembles for your grandchildren. I am hopeful though that your top man is showing himself to his electorate to be the man you and I always knew he was and that his time is severely limited. Being on the ground though you may know differently but that is how it is being reported here. All those things you have mentioned I too am grateful for plus many more as well. Time to move on and not get stuck in the moment. Thank you again for your support, your love and friendship, They are reciprocated.
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